It’s not Porn. No really.
I DID NOT EXPECT THAT ENDING
this this one of those audio posts where i reblogged even before i listened to it cuz i knew it was going to be amazing
1. Do not kill yourself. Killing yourself is very messy and your mother will cry over you. It is not beautiful or brave, and even if it was, you will not be around to see that.
2. Washing your hair is going to be a chore. But you should do it anyway. Because you will feel better about yourself.
3. Get up late. Have a lay in. Sleep past your alarm. You have a very long life ahead of you and for now you should appreciate the cold side of your pillow.
4. He is going to break your heart but he’s just another male human who finds it hard to deal with Mondays, too. So in a month you’ll wake up and you won’t even remember that little scar on his knuckle you kissed.
5. Don’t spend hours looking up what your name means on google. Your name is your name and you should go out there and do heroic and good deeds and give your name your own meaning.
6. Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.
7. Music is good for your soul. Rap music will energise you and boost your ego and pop music will cheer you up. Indie music will make you think and emotional songs will make you cry and think about that boy again. It’s healthy.
8. Victim complexes are not attractive. Boys and girls will not date you because you are sad. They are not going to date you and kiss your aching bones and cure you of your dragging depression. Wake up. Take a bath. Do your hair. Be attractive.
9. Sadness is not poetic. Depression is not beautiful. Laying in bed all day and eating too much is lazy and disgusting and it is not tragic or pretty. Get up. Go outside. Let the sun warm your bones. Live.
10. If it makes you happy, buy twenty of it. Dedicate your life to it. Print it on tv shirts and collect things and draw art of it. Do not care what people think. They are the unhappy people you need to avoid. The abuse they will hurl at you is painless compared to how sad they are. Pity them. Remain happy.
11. You are allowed to he angry. But the world is not working against you. The flowers do not bloom for you and when your mother shouts ask her if she is okay instead of thinking she hates you. She never will. The world walks beside you and is silent. It does not trip you up or carry you.
12. Day and night cycles are natural. Humans only sleep at night because we used to avoid predators in the dark because of our poor eyesight. Stay awake until 5am watching bad reality shows. Wake up at 7pm and have breakfast.
13. Eat when you are hungry. Being bored does not constitute a chocolate bar. Sleep with you are tired. Do not mindlessly obey the sleep at night rule. If you are not tired, do not sleep.Lapfoxs (via vietbam)
And I’m not trying to stop you love
If we’re gonna do anything we might as well just fuck
Learn to know people. Watch their facial expressions, watch the way their body twists and bends. Listen to their laughter, listen to the way their voice cracks when they’re upset. Find their weakness, their broken points, their darkness. Find their light. Find the things unique to them. Ask them about their childhood, ask them about their favorite place to read, ask them what their last words would be if they could choose. Know them.
DID YOU MOTHERFUCKERS REALLY THINK YOU WERE DONE WITH ME? I THINK NOT. THAT’S RIGHT IT’S THE SUGAR SCRUB CHICK BACK WITH ANOTHER FUCKING TUTORIAL. YOU BITCHES HAVE BEEN ASKING ME FOR AGES TO MAKE ANOTHER ONE OF THESE FUCKING POSTS AND IT’S FUCKING LATE SO HERE YOU GO FUCKERS WE GON LEARN SOME SHIT SO SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET
SO WE ALL WANT LIPS RED AS THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN RIGHT AND WHO DOESN’T FUCKING LIKE ARTS AND CRAFTS AND I DON’T EVEN NEED TO TALK ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND LIPSTICK FOR FUCKING COSPLAY SO BEHOLD THE HUMBLE CRAYON YOU LITTLE SHITS
GET A CRAYON. AND NOT JUST ANY CRAYON A FUCKING CRAYOLA CRAYON DON’T EVEN TRY WITH THAT ROSEART SHIT BECAUSE I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND RIP OUT YOUR UVULA. IF YOU WANNA GET REALLY ARTSY WHIP OUT ONE OF THESE BAD BOYS
AND BREAK UP SOME CRAYONS TO GET THE PERFECT SHADE OF BLUE GREEN FOR THAT BADASS COSPLAY YOU’VE GOT PICKED OUT BUT MARK MY WORDS NO MORE THAN ONE FUCKING CRAYON’S WORTH OF BITS BETTER GO INTO THIS FUCKING BOWL.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOU NEED SOME OTHER FUCKING SHIT IN THERE SO GO GET SOME OIL. THE GOOD STUFF. I’M TALKING EVOO BITCHES THE VIRGINAL BLOOD OF THE MOST TENDER OLIVES IN ALL THE LAND. SQUEEZE SOME OF THAT HEAVENLY LUBRICANT INTO YOUR BOWL, ABOUT 1/2 A TEASPOON, THAT’LL DO PIG, THAT’LL DO. NOW GO FIND SOME SHEA BUTTER OR COCONUT OIL AND GLOP ABOUT 1/2 A TEASPOON OF THAT IN YOUR BOWL. NOW GO TO YOUR MAGICAL CABINET OF WONDERS AND FIND SOME NICE SMELLING SHIT. COULD BE VANILLA EXTRACT. COULD BE LAVENDER OIL. I DON’T KNOW BRO WHATEVER YOU THINK SMELLS LIKE THE SILKY UNDERBELLY OF A NEWBORN UNICORN(important note make sure you use a FOOD SAFE oil if it doesn’t say it’s food safe/food grade don’t use it!) GRASP THE BOTTLE FIRMLY, SCREAM LIKE A VICTORIOUS PTERODACTYL, AND DROP 1-4 DROPS OF THAT SWEET SMELLING LIQUID IN THERE.
I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE IT IS THE HEATING VESSEL FOR YOUR GLORIOUS LIPSTICK THAT’S RIGHT LIKE A VIKING WARLORD YOU ARE GOING TO USE A DOUBLE BOILER. SO GET A SAUCEPAN AND HEAT SOME WATER, THEN PLOP THAT SWEET SMELLING BOWL OF OIL AND WAX ON TOP OF THAT STEAMY WATER LIKE THE COLLISION OF YOUR OTP IN A BAD FANFIC OH YEAH. STIR THAT SHIT UNTIL EVERYTHING IS MELTY AND SMOOTH YOU DON’T WANT TO RUIN YOUR SPOONS SO I USE A DISPOSABLE CHOPSTICK FUCK YEAH RECYCLING NOW ONCE THAT SHIT IS SOFT LIKE THE SUPPLE SKIN OF YOUR HEAVENLY BOOTY, YOU NEED SOMETHING TO POUR IT INTO
WELL DAMN GOOD THING YOU PICKED UP SOME CONTACT CASES LAST TIME YOU WERE AT THE STORE OR MAYBE YOU HAVE SOME EMPTY CHAPSTICK TUBES OR JUST SOME SMALL TUPPERWARE I DON’T KNOW BUT GOSH YOU ARE SO RESOURCEFUL AND PRETTY YOU DESERVE NICE LIPSTICK LIKE THIS ALSO TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOU THIS WEEKEND AND NEVER FORGET HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
I’M GLAD WE HAD THAT MOMENT TOGETHER NOW BECAUSE NOTHING IS MORE METAL THAN SAFETY, TAKE A THICK HAND TOWEL OR AN OVEN MITT OR SOMETHING AND GRIP THAT BOWL OF COLORFUL GOOP AND POUR GENTLY INTO THAT RECEPTACLE YOU PROCURED. YOU WILL PROBABLY SPILL SOME BUT THAT’S OKAY YOU’RE ONLY HUMAN. POP THAT SHIT IN THE FRIDGE BECAUSE YOU’RE AN IMPATIENT MOTHERFUCKER AND YOU WANT YOUR LIPSTICK NOW GODDAMMIT AND ONCE IT HARDENS SLATHER THAT CREAMY GOODNESS ON THICK, SLIDE ON SOME SUNGLASSES, AND HEAD INTO BATTLE TO DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY CLASS DISMISSED MOTHERFUCKERS